As I stood at the coffee shop, waiting for my coffee, tears started to run down my face.
I’d been uptight all morning. Life had been so busy. At the time, I worked part-time in a day job, I was also supporting my elderly parents and working through an overwhelming list of jobs required to publish and publicise my first novel.
I was weighing up asking for three months leave of absence from work to launch my book. My heart knew I had to do it but my head was scared of making the request.
All that was going through my head was — why am I like this? Why can’t I cope with working and writing like a lot of other people do, and they work full-time? Why do I get tired so easily? Why do I need so much space?
Only eighteen months previously I’d had five weeks off work to recover from overwhelm. I was embarrassed to be asking again.
I was ashamed that I needed it. I was ashamed that I wasn’t like everyone else.
I was ashamed to be creative.
As the barista went about their work, my emotions overflowed and a tear ran down my face.
I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t have to make this request.
I wish I wasn’t embarrassed to be me!
It isn’t easy to be a creative person
It isn’t easy to be a creative person. We don’t always fit into regular life. We’ve probably felt different all our lives.
We have an irrational drive to paint, or make music, or write, or design clothes, or make things. We’d love to make money at it but we often don’t. We end up doing other work, but our heart always remains with our creative urges.
‘Normal’ people wonder why we do it especially if we’re unlikely to earn a living from it. Our parents, however old we are, might despair of us as we walk away from yet another ‘good’ job. We have to negotiate with our very understanding partners about why we need to do this project and that it will probably have a negative effect on the family income.
Maybe you, or people around you, frequently despair of you.
How can we turn this around and be proud of who we are?
As the pandemic rages on, and with so much other difficult stuff happening, our desire to write or paint can seem futile.
But the world needs creative people. Who is going to write the books, the song or the movies which change lives? Who is going to put art on the walls, or design iPhones or a comfy armchair?
Back in lockdown, people turned to books and Netflix to escape reality, to have some solace and to help them process how they feel. Someone else’s creative activity allowed them to do this. Someone who went through all the doubts and downside described above but kept creating anyway.
Everyone benefits from our creative work, whatever it is that we do. Creative people are usually very sensitive. We are the ones who pick up on the subtle emotions of a friend or co-worker and realise that they are suffering even though they’ve said nothing.
We are the ones who have a sense of how the future is going and whether we need to be adjusting now. The answer is usually yes but no one else realises it yet. That’s why we suffer more, because we’re already worrying.
Realise your strength
When I found myself in the depths of that despair, I realised that the only way out of it was to see my strengths. I had to see everything I did as having value. I had to praise who I am and what I am capable of, both creatively and professionally.
When I eventually plucked up the courage the talk to my manager about time off, another colleague, who had heard about the conversation, was impressed that I had written a book. He didn’t see it as anything negative. He saw it as a great achievement, one that most people never manage.
Four months later, I launched my first novel.
My friends were proud of me. My family were proud of me. I was proud of me.
There is nothing to be ashamed about.
I’d love to get a discussion going. What’s your experience of living with your creative self?
It can be tough sometimes. No comment...just big hugs.
As an introvert, interacting with colleagues and clients in my day job can be exhausting. I'd love nothing more than to curl up with books and a laptop and simply research and write all day.
Your comments on the pandemic hit home - I've had similar pangs of doubt ("Isn't aspiring to be a writer kind of selfish when there are so many people doing life-saving work?"). But you're right, art is what gave us all respite and joy during these trying times. Art is life-giving in its own way.