[GC Insider] Writer Envy and Lamentation
The end of month summary where I share the good, the bad and the ugly of my own creative efforts
I started August in writer envy. I watched as everyone else published their Substacks, promoted themselves, worked on their writing projects – generally growing and progressing with their goals.
And I’m not able to do that at the moment.
Firstly because of my ongoing fatigue situation and how that has bombed out my writing goals over the last year, then more recently because of my husband’s accident.
However, as the month went on, I’ve become more accepting of this situation. As much as I would like this to be “my time” as a writer, that time isn’t yet here. I have to trust that there will be a point in the future when I can truly flourish. Somewhere deep inside I know that this will happen but it isn’t always easy to watch others do what you’re not doing!
Even though my circumstances have been incredibly challenging, I have also noticed that some of my issue is good old-fashioned resistance – that invisible force that stops you moving ahead with your heartfelt dreams and creative work.
I have managed to overcome it a bit. I have resumed work on my novel. As I look at the green dots on my monthly calendar, I can see that I have worked on the novel six times in the last three weeks. That’s not a huge amount but it is something.
There are also five red dots. These indicate working on Gentle Creative. However, I have not produced an article. It has been my intention in recent months to publish an article on the 2nd and 4th Friday of the month.
The 2nd Friday in August came and went. There was too much going on with my husband as he was moved out of ITU and then a couple of days later to our local hospital.
I did intend to publish something for the 4th Friday. But every time I tried, I produced something I would describe as trite codswallop!
Articles often start out a bit trite but the fun is wrangling them into something useful that I am happy to publish. I realised as I toiled with this one that I just don’t have it in me to write value-creating Gentle Creative articles at the moment. My life is consumed with having enough energy to support my husband and deal with a whole host of associated legal and financial admin.
It takes energy to write a newsletter, promote it and generally provide a worthwhile service. And I don’t want to spend energy now. I’d rather put what little writing resource I have towards making progress with my novel.
As much as I have adored writing this newsletter, and getting to know all of you, I have to take a break for the time being. I might put out the occasional post or update, but that’s all.
At the end of January, I temporarily paused my paid subscriptions because of my health. I am now going to formally turn them off.
For those of you who had paid a yearly subscription, I will be consulting with the Substack helpdesk to figure out how to refund you the unused portion. Expect to hear from me in the next couple of weeks as I figure this out.
For everyone in the past year or so who had faith to support me financially, I want to say a huge THANK YOU. I am sorry that I have not been able to follow through with that commitment.
I also want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has been part of Gentle Creative. You have liked, shared and commented on my articles and it has been a truly magic experience. I’ve loved all of it and all of you.
I have no idea what the future holds. One day, no doubt, I’ll be back in whatever incarnation the internet presents us with at that time. I always love to share my story and encourage others.
Finally, an update on my husband. He is now fully conscious and slowly making progress. His brain injury is similar to if he’d had a very bad stroke. He is unable to talk, but is trying to form words. There is some cognitive impairment and I am praying that this will gradually heal. Physically, he is getting more movement in his right arm, which had lain dead for a few weeks. He can’t yet sit or stand unaided but his movements are strengthening. The rehab staff at the hospital are amazing and they work with him every day.
It's going to be a long haul. I miss the man that he was and our life together. My heart breaks for what happened and the challenge that we are both locked into.
But there are many heart-warming moments too: the first time he tried to talk, the time he pulled me towards him for a kiss, the way he touches my face when I visit. Recently, one of the rehab assistants was with him and they decided to leave me a voicemail – where I could make out the words “Hey honey” as he started speaking.
There are many tender moments and there will be many more. I have so much love for him. In my Buddhist practice we talk about treasures of the heart being the most valuable treasures of all. It has often been a struggle for me to realise this, but as we continue on this adventure, I am really seeing how treasures of the heart surpass anything else.
Thank you again for all your messages, prayers and mediations. They are working. My energy is holding out to support him and he is progressing every day.
Keep plodding gently
Cali x
Best of luck with the recovery!
Hey Cali,
I'm glad your husband is awake again and is making progress.
Please don't worry about refunds, and I will keep renewing as long as there is a paid option, irrespective of how much output there is.
May you and your husband both be well 🙏