My Husband Is My Superpower
How I’m seeking to find the treasure in a hideous situation
My husband has a severe traumatic brain injury. There have been times since his accident when I wished he hadn’t survived.
The outcome has been catastrophic for both of us. He has significant cognitive impairment and high care needs. He now lives in a specialist neuro care home.
I have had to witness all of this. There has been huge emotional, financial and legal fall-out.
(For the full impact of his accident you can read: What It Feels Like To Lose Your Husband To A Brain Injury)
I identify with widows. I’ve lost my husband, my life companion, my honey bunny but without the closure of death. I have to keep dealing with “what is”.
When I’m in a low life state, I question – why is he still here? What purpose does his life serve? How is his existence valuable?
I don’t want to be like this. I want to arrive at a point where I absolutely value him and understand why he continues to live and be part of my life.
It’s a process.
The quest for value
Recently, in my quest to value my husband’s life, I listed all the positives that have come from this situation.
I’ve been suffering from long-covid chronic fatigue. Prior to his accident, I was very stuck in my own misery and limitation. On the night of his accident while I knelt next to his bleeding body, I remember whimpering about how would I be able to cope. The severity of his situation blasted me out of my own misery. I have coped physically with everything that has been required of me. I’m very proud of this.
Many people have told me that I am the strongest person that they know. I have somehow managed to call on resources that I didn’t know I had to stand by him and fight for what he needs.
I have leaned into my Buddhist practice – prior to his accident I was struggling to apply my faith to my own health and find a way forwards. The enormity of his accident gave me the reason to dig deep and find the help that I need.
When I meet someone that I haven’t seen in a while they often say how well I look. The word “radiant” has been used more than once. In Buddhism, we use life’s obstacles to put the fuel on the fire of our practice. In response, our Buddhahood, a higher life state, shines through.
I also notice that the vicissitudes of daily life and other people’s dramas don’t stress me as much. When you have seen your husband tumble down a flight of stairs and then held him while thick viscous blood seeps from his head, everything else pales into insignificance.
Why do I call him my superpower?
Because he has made me strong.
Because I am fighting to see the meaning in his life, and hence, all life.
Because I am dealing with stuff that I never thought I would have the energy to manage. I have managed and I have thrived.
Because he is a constant reminder to see the value in just being. We don’t have to do stuff to have a valuable life. Our existence, in itself, is value.
Because I still love him. I pray that he can have the best life even with his circumstances.
When I’m cursing the sixty mile round trip to see him …
Or when I am scared of a phone call I have to make to fight for the funding of his care…
Or when I have to face the traumatic memories of the night of the accident in order to see if there is a legal case for damages …
I remind myself that he is my superpower. I can do this.
If he is my superpower who forces me to draw the best from myself – then isn’t that an exceptionally valuable life?
Plodding gently
Cali x
Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash
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Cali, this is such an inspiring post. I would love to hear more about your Buddhism practices. You are amazing and have seemed to have handled all of this with such grace. You have risen to the occasion. My personal faith and belief with these type of circumstances is that we are meant to learn something from them. Maybe your husband is still here to be your teacher? To help you learn something you were meant to learn? Anyhow, continue to take good care of yourself, it sounds like the ways you have been coping are serving you well. You are always in my thoughts and heart with all of this.
I believe an accident like this can go two ways. It will bring out the best or the worst. You discover qualities you didn't realize you had, either way. You remind me so much of my best friend whose husband has now passed. He developed Wet Brain/ Weirnecke's Disease. I likely didn't spell it right. He was in a home for 4 years until he left, because with his disease the body can't absorb nutrients. It's related to alcohol abuse. I hope you have someone who will occasionally make that trip with you and listen to you when you need to talk. It is a lonely time living suspended between life and death.
My thoughts are with you this morning as your post hit close to home. Support and financial advice are very important right now. My prayers are with you.