The Quiet Guilt I Carry About My Husband's Brain Injury
Am I doing enough?
I live with a constant low-level guilt about my husband. He has a brain injury and lives in a specialist care home.
Should I be doing more for him?
Should I visit more frequently?
Should I be constantly doing research to see if there is an esoteric supplement or treatment that could give him some improvement?
The staff at his care home tell me that I must get on with my life. I’m doing that.
But there’s this guilt that I’m out in the world, building a new life while he’s stuck there, doing not much in a very small environment.
I visit him once a week. It’s a sixty mile round trip and it often emotionally demolishes me. I could spend more time with him but then I wouldn’t have the time or energy to figure out how to create an income and take care of my financial future.
Is it frivolous to want to build a business for myself?
Should I be more devoted to him?
Should I sacrifice myself for him?
I’m not wracked with guilt. I’m not sucked down by it.
But it’s always there; a cycle of “should I”, quietly turning.
What is guilt?
A rummage on Google reveals that there are two types of guilt. There’s the guilt if you have done something wrong and it drives you to make amends and rectify the situation.
But the other type is more insidious. I call it chronic guilt. It occurs when it’s difficult to change a situation and you are suffering with the discomfort of that.
I loved this description from an article on the calm.com blog:
“Guilt is a peculiar thing. It creeps in quietly, often uninvited, taking up space in our minds like a guest who overstays their welcome… When guilt becomes excessive or misplaced, it stops being a helpful guide and turns into something far heavier. Picture an anchor dragging us down into shame, anxiety, or even depression. We may feel guilty for things we’ve done, for things we haven’t done, and is that really helping anyone?”
Graham’s situation is tragic. It is unthinkable. I can’t rectify it. Even if I am able to secure him “this therapy” or “that therapy” it doesn’t mean that it will make a difference. I have gleaned from all the health experts that any radical improvements would have happened by now.
I have tried to talk with him about what his future could contain. This is difficult since his speech is mangled and I only understand 10 to 20% of what he says. I get the impression he doesn’t want more. Maybe he doesn’t want to work at it. He has never been Mr Motivated.
A year ago, when he was receiving various rehab therapies, he began pushing them away. Maybe he innately knows where he is at. I suspect he is coming to terms with his situation and slowly accepting it.
I too have to accept his new life. This is how he is. He is unlikely to improve to any great degree.
I have to accept that my life is continuing. I’m able to live, do things I enjoy, travel, see my friends, build a new business, continue with my creative work, do much needed maintenance work on our house and plan what my future will look like as I age. All without him by my side.
As I typed that last paragraph, I felt a tightening in my chest, a physical discomfort. My lips pressed together and narrowed. My facial muscles tightened as my breathing got shorter and shallower.
It’s uncomfortable. It’s an appalling situation that I wish we weren’t in. I know that I have to get on with my life, that it is the right approach.
Yesterday I journalled about this guilt. Here is the wisdom that flowed from my pen:
“You are doing your best for him. You wish there would be something that would make a difference to him, but right now, there isn’t.
There is nothing to be guilty about. You are using your best judgement and it is good enough.”
It seems that the antidote to guilt is trust. You have to trust where you are at.
Plodding gently
Cali x
References
https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-stop-feeling-guilty
Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash
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Cali, “All without him by my side” that I think I get💔 It made me pause and I can feel why writing it was so hard 🤗
After 46 years married, my situation is similar as my wife died unexpectedly, on holiday, 7 months ago. My guilt is different but the themes are the same, especially if I’m doing something and enjoying it (so not Tesco and dusting ☺️) or thinking where to go next? One of the things that has helped is that I know she would want me to LIVE 🥹 She would not want me sitting at home doing nothing, in fact I can feel her agreeing 🥰
Would a play list of favourite songs help you on your trips to see your husband? I’ve found that once you get over the tears ( the first play - probably best at home 🙃) it really helps.
Good luck! You’re on the right lines! Just have to try and get it back in the guilt box before it does any more harm 🤞🏻
Hi Cali, My guilt comes in the form of "I should have" or "if only I'd." Dan rarely admitted he had a problem; he wouldn't or couldn't do things to help himself. When the guilt comes up, I tell myself I did the very best I could at the time, given the circumstances. And that's all we can do. You have given/are giving everything you can. Some things aren't going to change, and at the same time, life goes on. Take care 🩷