When Life Goes Horribly Wrong, And You Have To Deal With It
This is the life that happened to me
Is there a difference between the life you wanted and the life you have?
Would you have chosen the difficulties that besiege you or would you have elected for an easier, cosier life?
Last week, I listened to this wonderful interview between Emma Gannon and Elizabeth Gilbert.
Liz Gilbert was talking about coping with her sex and love addiction and the aftermath of the tumultuous time she experienced when her partner got sick and died. She was saying how her preferred life would be to hang out quietly in a garret and just write fiction. But because of her addictions, she has had to learn to live in a way which manages them and has then felt compelled to write about it.
She said there’s not much point wishing for a different life. Then she said this phrase which really jumped out at me: “because this is the life that happened to me.”
This is the life that happened to me.
I thought about myself. In that moment I was crying in my car as I drove to visit my husband in his care home. He is severely affected by a brain injury.
A few days earlier I had attended a funding meeting where I heard some very difficult details about how they manage to provide personal care while he constantly hits out at people. The phrase that broke me was when the member of staff said that they don’t allow pregnant women to work with him. It was so distressing to hear that my darling honey bunny would hit out at a pregnant woman because he is unable to control his impulses and understand that the people helping him are not a threat.
I’d been frequently sobbing since that meeting.
Nobody wants a difficult life. We would all like it to be easy, with enough resources to do the activities we enjoy.
But life is rarely that easy. Challenges happen caused by unhelpful tendencies within our personality, physical or mental health issues or coping when disaster strikes.
Life happens and we have no choice but deal with it. Sometimes the shit isn’t going to go away. I am stuck with the loss of the husband I once had and having to endure and witness the new conditions of how he is now. This could go on for years. I have no choice but be part of it.
Embracing “what is”
It is easy to waste precious energy in denial of “what is”. This can manifest as excessive retail therapy, emotionally stuffing too much food or drink into your mouth, or the onset of a health problem.
Sometimes the pain of avoiding reality becomes worse than the cost of dealing with it.
Acceptance of a life that you didn’t want is a difficult path and can take time. Every year since my husband’s accident, I feel that I am having to acknowledge and accept another layer of reality in how our marriage is panning out.
There are blessings
Difficulties are rarely welcome but they give us the chance to strengthen ourselves and to shine.
A difficulty can present new opportunities that we might never have considered.
An awful situation could become our greatest treasure. One of the fucked-up positives of Graham’s accident is that I was shocked out of the misery of long covid. Prior to his accident I was very stuck in my mindset of living with chronic fatigue, was thoroughly miserable and had nothing else to talk about as I complained about how it was affecting me.
The enormity of his accident blasted me out of this and I began to celebrate how I was managing to visit him and attend to all the financial and legal admin. Slowly my body begun to recover and I now have a lot more energy.
As part of my recovery, I was already on a journey of learning to love myself. This was accelerated by his accident as there were so many times that I felt inadequate in how I could care for him. I had to learn to love myself more, including my weaknesses. Ironically this led to me having much greater emotional and physical strength.
In my Buddhist practice we have the concept of karma to mission. This means that as we surmount a problem, we become the person best placed to help someone else in the same situation. The ultimate tool to pay it forward.
Gratitude
Yesterday, my friends in the USA celebrated Thanksgiving.
Although the situation with my husband is frequently horrific, I have much to be grateful for.
He is well cared for and the state is picking up the tab for most of this care. I have not been bankrupted.
I have the skills, and have found the energy, to cope with all of the financial and legal admin.
I have a strong Buddhist faith which has helped me to develop the life-force to survive this challenge and find ways to still have joy in my life.
I am surrounded by love and support from my friends and family. And I have learnt to generate more love for myself.
This is the life that happened to me.
If you are besieged by crisis or difficulty – yes, it’s a fucker. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it can feel unfair.
But it’s happening. So live it, as best you can.
Plodding gently
Cali x
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
You can read more about the effects of losing my husband to a brain injury here:
This articles tells of the gifts that also came with these difficulties:
"If you are besieged by crisis or difficulty – yes, it’s a fucker. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it can feel unfair. But it’s happening. So live it, as best you can."
That is honesty and wisdom intertwined. Thank you for offering both.
This is a beautiful reflection, Cali. I especially connected with, "Sometimes the pain of avoiding reality becomes worse than the cost of dealing with it." So true.