Well, I tried to pause this newsletter. But then I got comments like this:
“We Gentle Creatives sure do love and appreciate you.”
“Please don’t turn off paid subscriptions! Please keep creating, even once a month and just with an update. I LIVE for your publication…Now, more than ever, we need to hear from you, in whatever form or length, or state of writing you are capable of. We don’t mind bullet points. We don’t mind a brief video when you’re not wearing make up and do you have bags under your eyes from crying. We don’t mind a mess, or a lack of perfection or an absence of clarity. You are loved. Remember this.”
“Please don't worry about refunds, and I will keep renewing as long as there is a paid option, irrespective of how much output there is.”
“Ah Cali, I will miss you even for a short period of time. You have been - are an inspiration to me.”
All of these lovely comments, and other emails and messages that I received, got me thinking. Maybe I could continue with Gentle Creative.
In the past I have mostly written “how to” and mindset articles about writing. I don’t feel that I have it in me to do this at the moment.
But I am very willing to share my journey as I cope with my husband’s health and how I am squeezing in writing and self-care around the many hospital visits. Thank you for appreciating my often bluntly honest style of writing as I negotiate these unchartered waters.
So I will continue and I have turned paid subscriptions back on. If you’re a paid subscriber and you’re not into the new content, please feel free to change back to a free subscriber or unsubscribe. If you’ve paid a yearly subscription and you would like the remaining portion refunded, then contact me directly.
There will be one or two articles a month, based on my current experiences. And we’ll see where it goes. Right now, there won’t be any additional content for paid subscribers but I hope that this will change in the future. In the meantime, thank you for supporting me.
If you would like to upgrade your subscription to support Gentle Creative financially, then please click the button below:
And now for a little lesson on love
Since Graham’s accident, so much love has come our way. And everybody tells me I’m coping so well, considering my husband is in hospital with a traumatic brain injury.
But sometimes I feel so inadequate. Two weeks ago, I was very low and found myself being jealous of one of the rehab assistants who works with Graham. This lady is a guardian angel. She is dynamic, capable, loving and spends a lot of time encouraging Graham.
There was one day when I went to visit and I was feeling extremely tired. When I arrived, I was discussing the state of Graham’s nails with her and she gave me a set of nail clippers. I can’t use nail clippers, I’m much more of a scissors person. Even though I’ve been carrying nail scissors and an emery board in my hospital bag for most of my visits, I didn’t have the bag with me that day.
So I set about tidying up his finger nails with these clippers – and made a total hash of it. Because I can’t use them. I even cut his skin and made it bleed.
Eventually, exasperated that I couldn’t cut his thumbnail I asked her to help. With a swift deftness, she took hold of the clippers and neatly finished the job.
Graham looked uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to arrange his pillows. But she knew just how he liked them.
Sometimes he hangs his feet off the bed. And she knew to put a chair there with a pillow on it so he would be both safe and comfortable.
He tries to talk but it is difficult to make out most of what he was saying. But she picked up on some phrases that I missed.
I left the hospital in tears, so exasperated with myself that I didn’t know how to look after him and that the hospital staff know so much more about his needs that me. I was so useless, so incapable, so helpless!
Now, the rational side of my brain know that this is bullshit. These people are paid to look after patients like Graham. They have all the right skills and they choose to take on this role. I do not have these skills and I definitely haven’t chosen this life. But my emotional side just felt so inept and pathetic and I couldn’t stop crying.
Two days later I had a therapy session where, again, I couldn’t stop crying. The therapist took me through a breathing exercise, during which I examined how I was feeling and it came down to this very familiar nub – I’m not good enough. This has been a track in my head which, over the years, I have tried to expunge through various personal development techniques.
She asked me, what would help? One word came to me. Love. Love for me.
She rephrased this as – I am worthy of love. She encouraged me to love all the parts of me, even those parts that were being so self-critical and nasty to myself.
I am worthy of love. Who knew?!
Following the session, as soon as I got home, I grabbed a yellow index card and wrote on it – I am worthy of love. Then I put that card on the edge of the kitchen counter where I would see it several times a day.
That therapy session was a gamechanger. Every time I see that yellow card – even though I can’t read it without my glasses – I know that I am worthy of love.
Now it feels very matter of fact to me – of course I’m worthy of love. Why wouldn’t I be?
What a turnaround!
This happened on the same day as my last newsletter went out – and you all sent me such beautiful loving comments.
Two days later, a fellow Substack writer,
, wrote this beautiful piece of encouragement just for me: For my friend who’s having trouble writing. A note and a prayer for her to keep going.Please read it. There is some fantastic encouragement in there.
That same day,
launched her new newsletter called Letters from Love. Every day she writes to herself from a place of unconditional love. I sat down straight away and wrote myself a letter from Love.Here is one of the sentiments that Love told me:
“You’ve got this Cali. You are better than you know and you will be able to face the future with love and strength. You are worthy of love. So much love.”
It seems that love is all around ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you again for your love. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for your kindness.
Let’s keep plodding gently together
Will all my love to you
Cali xx
P.S. This week, at the hospital, the physios got Graham to stand. It took three of them to assist, and a special support frame, but for a minute he stood on his own two feet for the first time since the accident. It was a very moving milestone. He is still a way from being able to support himself but this is wonderful progress. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They are working.
Photo by jerry klein on Unsplash
How I wish you and Graham the best! I just met you one minute ago, and I feel as if I have known and loved you forever.
Hi Cali,
Great to see you writing here. It just shows how brave you are.
So much love in the room.
So much more promise with Graham standing up.
You're showing us all how to be strong in adversary
Be kind to yourself sweetheart. You're a light.
Lots of hope and hugs.
Jo
Xxx