[GC Insider] From Resentment To The Beginning Of Acceptance
The end of month summary where I share the good, the bad and the ugly of my own creative efforts
Hi everybody
And a special welcome for the flurry of new subscribers that I’ve had recently. Typically, at the end of each month I write the Insider email where I talk about how my own creative efforts have been for the month.
However, my days are not typical anymore, and neither is Gentle Creative. Three months ago, my husband had an accident which has left him with a traumatic brain injury. Everything has been a bit topsy-turvy since.
I used to write about writing advice – my aim was to gently nudge people through the practical realities and internal perils of being a writer. If you would like to have a look at some of those articles, you can find an index here. They are grouped into six categories: fear, mindset, time management, encouragement, craft and publication options, and tough love.
But since Graham’s accident I’ve switched to just writing about how I am surviving all of my current challenges. Oh, and I have mild chronic fatigue which has been another challenge in my pot!
So how has the month been?
Here’s a picture of my writing tracker calendar:
A green dot is when I work on my novel, a red dot is for Gentle Creative work. And a blue dot is when I write in the private journal I am keeping about Graham’s progress. At the beginning of the month I was elated to be able to work on my novel and send out a newsletter.
But then you can see a big gap after 19th September. That’s when I had a major meltdown and it all became too much. This month’s meltdown was precipitated by the fear of what would happen when Graham eventually comes home.
I thought that time would be months away, but a random conversation with one of the rehab staff at the hospital led me to believe it might only be weeks. As he is at the moment, he will need full-time care and our house will need adaptions. Over a number of days, I flipped out.
Firstly, I panicked that I would have no life as I would have to be home with him all of the time. There was one day when for the first time in months, my fatigue lifted and I was able to get through a whole Pilates class. I could feel that some mojo was returning, but at the same time all I could think was that in a few weeks time, I wouldn’t be able to attend a class unless there was someone else present to sit with Graham.
Then I decided to start getting our house prepared. A friend’s boyfriend is a surveyor. He visited and very kindly gave me an overview of some of the adaptions we might need. I say might, because I don’t actually know what Graham’s needs are going to be and how permanent or temporary his impediments could be. I started telephoning builders and had one company around to quote.
And then I stopped coping, my energy crashed and I ended up in bed for a day and a half, very panicked about myself and the whole situation.
Another friend, while mopping up my copious tears, told me that I was jumping the gun looking at building work and I needed to wait until we had a clearer idea of what Graham would need and when he might need it.
By doing a lot of my Buddhist chanting, alongside support from my best friend, I was able to climb out of my pit of despair and get back to an even keel again.
This week, I learned that Graham is going to be sent to a specialist rehab centre. This is great news as he really needs more that what the hospital can offer, especially speech therapy.
However, on Monday, as I drove to the hospital, I found myself being resentful of all the energy and effort his situation was taking. I was listening to a podcast about writing and found myself totting up the number of hours I spent driving to see him, sitting with him and sorting out a whole host of financial and admin affairs. The number I came to was around thirty hours a week and I found myself wondering what I could achieve if I was able to devote that time and energy to my writing instead!
So much in my life has become all about him. When people ask me how I am, I invariably end up giving them the latest update on Graham. Tuesday was supposed to be a day for me, where I was sorting out some filing and accounts for my tax return. But throughout this bean counter work (which I quite enjoy doing, it’s grounding!) I needed to speak to an insurance company about him and spent one hour and fifty minutes on hold, listening to their tinny music which completely destroyed any pleasure from the work I was doing.
Recently I was shopping for tracksuit bottoms for him and it struck me, that from now on, I might be totally responsible for what he wears. Another weight and demand of my energy! At these times, I can easily get stuck in a worst-case scenario rather than hoping that he will gradually get better and some of my catastrophising might not happen!
Next week will be all about his move to the rehab centre. I need to get his clothes ready and labelled and once again, I need to pace my energy so that I can follow him to the new place and make sure that he settles in okay.
And this will probably hit my writing again as my chronic fatigue means I’m always holding back on my activities now so that I can cope with whatever has to happen later in the day or in the week.
I find it destabilising when the routine changes, even though that is happening because he is making progress or good stuff is happening. The rehab centre is further away, a forty minute drive rather than twenty minutes to the hospital, so this also needs to be factored into my energy plan and our new habits.
Last night I was supposed to attend a women’s circle at the studio where I do yoga. I went for the first hour but then had to leave because I was so exhausted. I had been looking forward to it all week but ended up too tired to enjoy it. When I got home, I realised that even though I don’t want Graham’s situation to dominate my life, it does. And it probably needs to at the moment. He needs me. I’m his wife and I need to be there for him.
In spite of my tiredness, I think a level of acceptance started to seep in. My life, however much I want to hang on to the things that make me happy, has changed. His needs are going to dominate it. As much as I sigh or complain or are fearful of everything that is happening, and all I have to cope with, he is the one who is really stuck in it. And he doesn’t have enough comprehension to fully realise what is happening to him. That’s why he needs me.
It is lovely to be able to share this with my Gentle Creative buddies. You have been wonderfully supportive to me and I am very happy that you like reading about my ups and downs. Thank you for all the encouragement you have sent me.
Keep plodding gently
Cali x
And lots of love
All the best. Chanting for you. You will win