Happy Easter!
Whether you consider this weekend to be a religious festival, a much-needed long weekend off work or the opportunity to scoff your body weight in chocolate – I hope you are enjoying it!
Three days ago, it was the nine month anniversary of my husband’s accident which resulted in him having a traumatic brain injury. (If you’re new to Gentle Creative you can read what happened here.)
It happened at the end of June, half way through the year and a quarter end. When it reached the same date in September, the three month anniversary felt significant. On that day, I sat down and hand-wrote him a letter. He had only regained consciousness a few weeks earlier. My intention was that one day he would be able to read it. I talked about what happened to him, how I was doing and included some news events that had happened in those three months.
I did the same at the end of December. That letter was much bleaker. Even though he was residing in a specialist rehab centre, he had made little progress and was rejecting much of the therapy that was offered to him. By that point I was grieving the man he was and our marriage, as both were gone.
This week I sat down and wrote to him once more. In this last three months he is now able to feed himself, he can sometimes recognise letters and is able to draw on an iPad. However, his behaviour can be challenging and his speech is still coming out as gobbledegook. In this letter I spoke about my pain of witnessing how he is now, how he struggles to communicate and how I so desperately want to know what he is saying and what is in his heart.
I file the letters away in a special section in his filing cabinet. As I said, my original intention was that he would one day be able to read them. Now I’m not sure that he will ever be capable of this as he has huge cognitive impairment.
Each time I have written a letter I also read the previous ones. At the end of the December letter I wrote the following:
“I continually challenge my own heart to find the hope that you need.”
I’m drafting this email on Good Friday and my letter this week was all about the pain of witness. It seems quite apt.
However, Easter is about resurrection, about hope and new life. My husband and I have a new life, even if it is not the one we would have chosen. But it is the life that we have. In my Buddhist chanting, I am once again challenging myself to resurrect hope and that we can both find happiness, no matter what the circumstance.
Thank you for your lovely comments on my last article (My Writing Sucks). It is funny how our writing is received, isn’t it? I laboured for ages on the first article I wrote in March. I had a lot of pain in my heart about Graham and about my own health but when I dropped all that into that article, it just wasn’t relevant. So I chopped it out and there wasn’t much left!
Then two weeks ago I was very honest about how my writing has been blocked by pain. It only took me thirty minutes to write and it needed very little editing. In being bluntly honest about where I was at, it seemed to unblock what I needed to say. Since then, I’ve made progress in my novel writing and I’ve been able to share with you again today.
Even though I’m a Buddhist, I love Easter. I love the message that darkness gives way to light and that sometimes we need help to see and celebrate our own light.
Here are a couple of articles that I have written in the past about this festival:
What Does The Easter Story Have To Do With Your Creativity?
How Are You Crucifying Yourself?
Thank you so much for being part of the Gentle Creative community. I feel really honoured and blessed that I can write about the complexities of life and that it will be kindly and lovingly received by you.
Let’s plod together gently into the light, with hope.
Lots of love
Cali x
Cali, thanks so much for sharing an update. I love the idea of the letters that you write and it seems as if Graham is making some progress. If I look back, there is a pattern where I do not write during 2 of stages life. One is when I am really happy and content, the other is when I am really sad. Last year was another sad time and I gently forced my self to write every day, which kept me sane.
I am so glad you are happy with you writing output again. 😊
Lots of love to you. Thank you for taking us on this journey with you. I feel I’m with you through your writing and hope this helps you feel that you’re not alone. Big hug. I love the idea of Easter too