How A Journey To Greater Self-Worth Begun With Covid – One Year Ago
I’m trying to focus on the gifts and not get bogged down in despair
Although these newsletters are mainly about writing, every now and then I am called to recount a significant event or milestone in my life. This is one of those occasions. However, if you read though until the end, you will see that what I have to say is also relevant to writing.
Plodding gently
Cali x
How A Journey To Greater Self-Worth Begun With Covid – One Year Ago
It was the phone call you didn’t want to receive, a year ago this week. “Cali, I’ve just tested positive for Covid-19. You’d better get a test too.”
Two days previously, we had shared a 3 hour car journey.
Even though the covid was fairly mild, the fun began after my ten day isolation period. Fatigue set in. I couldn’t walk more than a few minutes without getting tired. Even as my range increased, I still struggled walking uphill. Going about my day-to-day business became impossible. When I did too much, I would have to spend time laying down and recovering.
It lasted for three and a half months. Thankfully during January, February and March I felt back to normal, un-impeded and able to get on with daily life without having to worry about having enough energy.
But in April I did too much physical work and fatigue started to rear its head again.
For the next six weeks my health continued to deteriorate. It felt like my body was collapsing in on itself. I was back to only being able to walk short distances and hills were once again beyond me. Unlike the previous Autumn, when I had still been able to write for a few hours a day, my mental energy was also shot.
I had to take all pressure off myself and do virtually nothing. The one thing I managed to continue with was my weekly newsletter. All other writing, promotion and marketing had to stop.
I mourn the life I once had
Last summer, pre-covid, I took myself out on a lovely solo adventure to Avebury and Stonehenge and yomped for hours around the ancient monuments. I also think back to my trips to Cornwall and three-hour cliff top walks. None of this is possible at the moment.
I hate being physically diminished.
I hate having to ration my energy because I’m doing something important later in the day, or in the week.
I hate feeling more namby-pamby than normal. I’ve always been someone who tires easily and needs to have lots of space and rest, but this summer has been like nothing else.
But there have been gifts
I was going to use “benefit” in this subheading but gift is a more apt word.
One of the gifts is that I have developed self-worth. I have always been bound up in achievement, productivity and results. This summer has forced me to realise that my creative accomplishments do not define who I am. I am a worthy person just as I am – warts, tiredness and all. (You can read more about this here).
I’ve learnt to rest, to not do too much, to space out my activity and never push through when I am tired.
As I slowly begin to return to my writing goals, I approach them with kindness to myself. In the past I would have metaphorically rolled up my sleeves and goaded myself forwards with force. Now I know that progress will only happen, at its own pace, with self-compassion.
I am selling an apartment in London that will make a massive difference to my financial security, but the sale is taking forever to go through. At any point, until contracts are exchanged, the deal might collapse. Because of this, I go through periods of panic, followed by optimism that it will end soon and then anguish again when it rumbles on. This also has an effect on my energy levels.
The more this situation continues, the deeper I have to dig to build and maintain mental strength. But this is also a gift. It is only when we bottom out that deep change happens.
Yesterday, in my journaling I wrote that underneath all the discomfort I am feeling, gold exists. It was as though I was wiping the dust and crap off that gold, incredulous that something so valuable is present in what has felt like the deepest cesspit of misery and frustration.
Throughout these past few months, I have clung to the following words of my Buddhist teacher:
Not only do those who have suffered the most become the happiest, they also become people of courage who help others achieve happiness. If you are suffering or going through hardships now, it is proof that you have a great mission.
Each of you has an important mission that only you can fulfil. As you strive steadily and persistently toward that mission, I hope you will make the most of your unique qualities and talents, shining as the brilliant treasure tower you are.
The biggest benefit throughout this time is that I have really found my voice as the Gentle Creative. I now have no choice but to operate in an extremely gentle way. As I have written from the depths of tiredness and despair – and shared my lessons – subscriber numbers, likes and appreciative comments have grown. I have also written an article for a local magazine about getting through difficult times.
I appear to have struck a chord with others who are also in need of a kinder, more nurturing way of approaching life.
I wanted to share about the last twelve months to say that whatever happens in your life, planned or unplanned, it can always be good fodder for your writing.
When you are forced to write from your heart, with unflinching honesty, you will probably strike a chord in someone else’s too.
Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash
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Thank you x
Pure brilliance. Thank you for sharing your journey and your heart. You’re changing the world, one newsletter post at a time.
So much love Cali. Turning adversity into learning, growing and sharing is a lovely gift.