[GC Insider] Painful Times
The end of month round-up of my own creative efforts - the good, the bad and the ugly!
Hi everyone
Oh my gosh, hasn’t November flown by. I can’t believe it’s a proper countdown to Christmas from tomorrow. Advent calendars at the ready!
Writing wise, it’s been a good month. I have stickers on my calendar for 20 of the 30 days in November which I am very pleased with. I’ve done two newsletters and worked on the novel.
Novel writing is always a slow process for me. I’m currently on the 2nd draft of the 3rd book in the Tales of the Countess series. I have a completed 2nd draft of the 2nd book – but with a bit of a gaping hole in the last half. My plan is to go back and fix it once I’ve got the 3rd book in better shape. I want to release them close to each other, but I am a long way from getting either of them in publishable shape.
I find that novel writing is a layering process for me. I write a draft then it takes a lot of refinement. Then I get more insight into everything which results in another draft. And this goes on for a few repeats of the cycle!
One day I will get there. Despite working at plod pace, I am possessed by my characters and won’t stop until the story is done. But it won’t be anytime soon!!
On the personal front, things are tough with my husband. (For those of you that are new to the Gentle Creative community, back in June my husband had an accident and sustained a very serious brain injury).
He is still at the specialist rehab centre but progress is very slow. It actually feels like he isn’t making progress. His speech is still mainly unintelligible which makes everything so hard. We have to go through a series of yes/no questions while I try to figure out what he is telling me. Many times I just can’t figure it out and I see his levels of irritation rise.
Miraculously, he took a few steps back in October but at the moment he is refusing to engage with the physio team. He can swallow now, but after a couple of mouthfuls of yoghurt he won’t have any more. He remains tube-fed through a line straight into his stomach.
The worst thing is that his mood has changed. He used to placidly accept what was happening and was still loving towards me. Now he is frustrated and angry. Several times he has pushed me away and he won’t let me be physically affectionate with him. This is so hard. I feel like I’m getting an emotional battering every time I see him.
I continue to grieve the man and the marriage that I have lost. It hurts.
There are always little reminders. The new series of The Crown which we would have watched together. Now he doesn’t have the attention span for it when I visit. The advent calendar on the front of this week’s Country Life magazine which we used to open together. He can’t recognise numbers and letters so it won’t be as much fun. Buying a Christmas tree together and decorating our home.
He might never come home. At the moment he needs a very high level of care. To be honest I have been terrified at the thought of him being discharged from the hospital system because I know that I wouldn’t be able to cope with him. I have fatigue issues thanks to long covid, but even a physically fit person would struggle.
I had a review meeting this week with the rehab service. I was dreading it. They sent me a report a few days before which was very bleak reading. Last weekend I felt that I was at an emotional and physical breaking point. The meeting went well and there was a recognition that his recovery will be long and slow. The powers-that-be are willing to fund another 12 weeks in the current rehab facility. Then we will review again. God bless our national health service!
I felt relieved after the meeting but in the last couple of days that tiredness and emotion is coming out. Today I stayed in bed until lunchtime, only getting up to eat. I would have gone back to bed but I had an appointment at the hairdressers. When they asked how he was, I burst into tears and told them I was having one of those days. They know the situation with Graham and are always so kind to me.
And Christmas is coming. I’m a bit of a grinch about the festive season at the best of times. This year is a hundred times worse. However, I have decided to do my best to embrace Christmas rather than hate it. I’m going to buy a tree this weekend and I’m also going to a Christmas themed concert. I have decided that I will visit Graham on Christmas Eve and then drive straight to my mothers and spend Christmas Day with her. And then it will all be over for another year!
Take care of yourselves
Plodding gently
Cali x
P.S. If you missed my recent articles you can click through to them from here:
This one has some very useful comments and readers liked my take on competing (or not) with AI driven content:
Dearest Cali. Sending you lots of love and Daimoku from india. Sincerely applaud your will to go buy that Christmas tree. Will send prayers that your life stays strong and that it reflects in your husband too as he recovers. Take care and keep writing.
Dear Cali, I can't begin to understand the struggles and emotions you feel.
But what I want to say is there are things going on in Graham's brain that are positive, although they might seem negative to you.
There are thought processes going on in Graham's brain, that weren't there before.
Is there a realisation of what's happened to him and he hates what he has become?
"I don't want to eat yoghurt like a baby, I'd just rather have the nutrition drip".
" how can you be affectionate towards me, when I'm like this?".
"I cannot speak and tell you how frustrating this is, so I'm angry".
I really hope that these are signs of his brain coming back to some sort of reality. That's really good!!!
You're going to have the patience of a Saint, as if you haven't already, but these acts of refusal, annoyance, anger.. are maybe letting you know, there's a person in there. Hope he continues to piss you off!! Much love, Jo, xxx